Day 29 - On Teaching, part 1

I started working with my friend Michelle on private yoga lessons this past week. I wouldn't say that I'm "teaching" her. I'm showing her the poses, explaining the Sanskrit names, and working with her on alignment and yogic concepts.

We started doing this because Michelle told me that the classes she's been to are way too fast, the teachers don't explain the poses, they don't give modifications, so I'm really just preparing her for her yoga classes, wherever she may go.

This is the main concern/gripe I have about certain yoga classes, is that they turn beginners away, it's a big turn-off when you feel frustrated when you're supposed to feel relax. It's one thing to feel silly, in say, a step aerobics class, it's another to have anxiety in a yoga class, which is supposed to help calm you down, not stress you out even more.

My teaching sessions have 1) taught me to empathize with what it's like to be on the other side of the mat, and 2) confirm to me that I want to do this. There is nothing like seeing Michelle smile because she gets something, and that she feels good after each session. I love that feeling. I love what yoga does to me, and I want to pass that bliss feeling on to others.

I've been listening to these lectures by Shinzen Young called "The Science of Enlightenment", and he said an interesting thing about teaching: "...To teach is to inevitably mislead people, to a certain degree, any kind of teaching, as soon as you've opened your mouth you have mislead people. On the other hand, to fail to teach is to mislead people even worse. To be a teacher actually means to be willing to take on some bad karma, in the service of making more good karma."

It was a weird concept to grasp at first, but as I reflect on this, it rings so true! When you teach, you inevitably take what you have learned and internalize it, so when you open your mouth, it's now got your own flavor and interpretation of it. To teach is not just to learn twice (or three or four times). To teach is to accept this huge responsibility to stay as true to the integrity of the material as possible, or deviate but be open about it, and say, this is the original thing, but here's a different take on it.

I think this concept is so important to anyone, teachers and learners. It also makes me feel really privileged to get to be in the teaching role, to inevitably mislead, in the service of yoga, and hopefully making some good karma :)

Day 28 - Slippery when wet

One of the yoga studios I go to, The Sanctuary Yoga in Redmond, is also a Spa, and they often have lotion samples in the changing room.

Today I got giddy with this new Zen lotion with ginger, and slathered it all over my body, *before* class. Imagine my troubles with Downward Dogs and Crows when I'm trying to get grounded on the mat. At first I wanted to kick myself in the head for this total lack of foresight. (I mean, I could technically do it in Dancer's Pose, I'd just fake it as an accident.)

Then during a moment of clarity I reminded myself of my mantra, "Everything is perfect".

So I just had to laugh at my slippery hands and feet, and the irony that sometimes, perfectly smooth hands don't necessarily make things go so smoothly.

Day 27 - A Yoga Mentor

Today I got a chance to meet up with Karen Herold, an extraordinary woman.

I was telling my friend Derek that I want to open my own studio someday, and he mentioned that he met this woman in his massage therapy class who's a CFO of a company, is a certified yoga teacher, and is planning on opening her own studio as well, so maybe I can get some advice from her.

A couple emails later, Karen gracefully agreed to meet up with me, and I am so grateful for Derek for having introduced us.

The amazing thing about Karen is not only that she's highly accomplished in her professional career, and has managed to follow her yoga ambitions (she's a Forrest trained teacher, and is opening her own studio in Redmond), but she also has three daughters, and she coaches on their volleyball teams, so she's an awesome mom too. (Oh yeah, did I mention she teaches yoga during lunch @ work?)

Me? I have lucky bamboos that require watering once every six months, and they still die under my care (or lack thereof).

What's different, and super inspiring about Karen is on top of being a yoga teacher, she has a day job. That gives me confidence that I can use the same drive and passion for yoga and maintain that in other areas of my life.

I also realized how cool it is to have a Yoga Mentor, not a Teacher, but someone to gently guide and inspire you.

*update* btw, the web site for her studio is up, check it out: Om Yoga Redmond.

Day 26 - Yoga and Aging, Part 1

*updated* I love this quote from Samuel Ullman:

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind... Whether sisty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young."

I turned 26 three months ago, and the shift from 25 to 26 is pretty subtle, but at times can *feel* pronounced. All of the sudden, 27 seems not that too far off, and 30 is around the corner. I remember being 19 or so and thinking 27 was old, I mean really old. And now I'm within arm's length of it. In college, I had a friend who did Botox, "it's preventative," she said, and I'd laugh at how silly that was. And now I find myself looking in the mirror an extra minute after brushing my teeth at night, examining if there are new lines on my face. (I know, I'm admitting to my own fear and vanity.)

I came across this on Youtube, and was pretty interested in what Gurmukh, who's 58 years old, says about Kundalini Yoga, especially that, "You never have to grow old if you do Kundalini Yoga." IMHO, you can be "old" in age, and be in way better shape, mentally and physically than when you were younger, because you know more about yourself, and self-awareness, to me, is worth trading a couple years of my youth for.

Day 25 - Yoga Music

I've been reading Steve Ross's Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There's Nothing to Worry About. It reminds me of when I would wake up and do yoga with him on the Oxygen network. He would play all these "non traditional" yoga songs, like No Woman, No Cry by Fugees.

I really like Steve's approach to yoga: "Without love, without humor, yoga is just a lot of hard work," he said.

I've started thinking about the songs I would play during my own yoga class, and here's my play list so far:

1) Always Love - Nada Surf
2) Be Here Now - Ray Lamontagne
3) Hands - Jewel
4) I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

Here's the vid to "I'm Yours". I've been playing it nonstop.

Day 24 - Acro Yoga

Today I went to Amber and Colin's non-baby shower. It is somewhat *weird* to see your yoga teachers outside of the studio. For that matter, it's weird to see your fellow yoga practitioners in other contexts too. It's like seeing someone from the gym in something other than gym clothes.

I was completely pigging out over this deliciousness of a vegan nuts, dates and strawberries pie that Kelly brought when everyone rushed to the living room to see Acro Yoga demos. I peeked in too, and saw a guy spinning another guy in various yoga poses.

It looked awesome! I met Tim, who teaches at Samadhi Yoga in Seattle, who shared with me the reasons why he teaches, and invites me to do some Acro Yoga. "I really really want to", I told him, "but I've overfilled myself with fruits and nuts".

It was a beautiful late winter afternoon, and the shining sun gave the illusion of more warmth than it actually provided. When I left, it had gotten dark and much colder, but I felt an inner warmth of being part of the Seattle yoga family.

Day 23 - Yoking

"If you are spending quality time with someone you love, you are doing yoga."

That's what Vidal, my Bikram yoga teacher at Hot Yoga of Issaquah told me once when I apologized for missing class because I was having dinner with my friends.

Today, I spent the whole entire day with my boyfriend. It was a very good day.

Day 22 - Like the desert needs the rain

I had not done Hatha yoga for 90 minutes straight for a couple days now, and I so needed it. My body was in so much joy when I took Jenn's class today. It didn't matter what the pose was, I was breathing, and moving, and each movement the cells in my body were like school children leaving school for summer break, running out the door at the sound of the last bell of the day.

Day 21 - Move with absolute awareness

I discovered Seanne Corne, and really love what she has to say here. She discusses breath and movement in Vinyasa Flow. I have replayed this over and over again at least 6 times today.

The Vinyasa practice is all about connecting the dot. It means linking movement and breath. It's learning how to move moment to moment, movement by movement, breath by breath. You want to bring into the Vinyasa practice, and into all of yoga, is your sense of humor, and a sense of play, and joy.

Obviously there's gonna be things that are gonna be challenging. The point is not to judge the experience, the point is to get into your body and explore, see what happens when you move towards the pose, and then you take the breath into it, and the breath, you start to link the mind and the body, and you're able to stay steady, and calm, and focus and aware and grounded.

What we're doing on a physiological level is stacking the bones in an appropriate way so that the muscles can stretch and tone evenly. We get into habits in our body, and if we find one little area that's somewhat flexible, we'll exploit it over and over, and that makes that area, as well as the area above and below it prone to injury. We can tend to move too quickly, we can tend to get careless, and we can put ourselves at risk of injury, so it's very important that we learn how to really integrate the technical pose, integrate the breath, and move with absolute awareness. And as you feel more confident you move in the next pose and you let the breath carry you there, and you make your adjustment and do what you need to do, and you get out of your head that your leg should be straight, or that it should look a certain way.

If you're breathing and you're not compromising your body, you're doing yoga brilliantly, beautifully.

Yoga practice is all about your inner awareness, and inner intention that you're creating, and your intention is to open your heart, your intention is to open your mind. If you're connecting with spirit, and if you're breathing, and if you're moving, you're gonna feel good. It may not be in your mind, "beautiful", but your connection to spirit is what's really important in this practice, beyond the physical expression. You'll get this, keep practicing, you'll get this, take care of your body, you will get this. You will memorize these poses, your body will start to feel more and more comfortable. For everybody who practices yoga, it's a process.

The Viyasa practice tends to be very physical, very dynamic, a lot of movement and breath, it's challenging, it's confrontational. It stimulates. That's an aspect of it. But we also want to bring in to make it a completely holistic experience, you gotta bring in the feminine. Where is the reflection, where is the intention, where is the prayer, where is the relationship to the inner world, not just the external outer world. You bring those together, that, to me, is the journey.

Day 20 - Thoughts on Bikram/hot yoga

"Bikram is *not* yoga!" Insisted my coworker, who's from India, "It's not real yoga. It is not Authentic Indian Yoga."

Lately, I have noticed two types of reaction when I tell people I do Bikram yoga. If the person doesn't do yoga or has just dabbled into it, they'll say, "Oh! Cool! I heard that's awesome/hard/tough/sweaty. I've been wanting to try that."

Otherwise, if it's someone who's been doing yoga for a long time, who's gotten more into yoga than merely doing the asanas (poses), there'll be a slight pause, ever so slightly, but still a pause. "Oh, Bikram, ok," they'd say. I know some of them echo my coworker's aforementioned sentiment, more or less. I can totally see the thoughts running through their mind, assessing my "yoga street cred". I also do Vinyasa, Flow, and Power yoga, I'd rush to add, lest they think less of me as a serious yogini.

I've been doing yoga, more or less since 6 or 7 (see my previous post on my yoga journey). Naturally, in my inquiry into All Things Yoga, the more I read about Bikram Choudhury and his lawsuit, the more I became really turned off.

Bikram yoga, often disparagingly referred to as the “McDonald’s of yoga”, is a highly profitable practice that was pioneered by the notorious yogi, Bikram Choudhury, who immigrated from India to the United States 30 years ago. Bikram’s signature series involves a specific arrangement of 26 postures and two breathing exercises performed over a 90 minute period in a studio heated to 105°F. Approximately five years ago Bikram began officially registering copyrights and trademarks on his yoga series. In 2002 he began his first lawsuit for copyright violation against a studio owner who was his former student. This suit was settled out of court and no decision was established about the validity of Bikram’s claims. However, because Bikram continued to threaten legal action against other studios and the issue remained unsettled, Open Source Yoga Unity (OSYU) was formed to address these issues.

Source: iCommons-Source-ing Yoga: the Implications for the Commons

Salon's article Hot, sweaty and scandalous asked:

Bikram Choudhury, founder of the fastest-growing style of yoga in America, has copyrighted his poses and is threatening to sue anyone who teaches his "hot" style without permission. Is this enlightenment?

With all this noise, I generally shied away from hot yoga. If it was convenient, I'd totally do it, but I wasn't going to the studio just to do it.

So, with my wrists still throbbing, but my body was totally craving yoga, I went to Bikram for Bikram.

Some people look down on hot yoga because of its lack of spirituality, and perhaps the criticism is due to the fact that Bikram teachers tend to regurgitate the same dialog. However, through my experience with my first Bikram teacher Marta McDermott, I can vouch that this is not always the case. True, some teachers do do this, and we barely get know them. They walk in, talk for 90 minutes, and leave. A good teacher can make a huge difference with what he/she says in class. Marta didn't just recite a canned speech, she weaved her personal knowledge and wisdom in the instruction.

In addition, certain poses in hot yoga requires an extreme amount of concentration, and after 7 years of doing it, I'm just now getting what it means to kick and reach with equal effort in Dandayamana - Dhanurasana, Standing Bow Pulling Pose. This pose also requires you to have supreme control over your breathing, and you absolutely cannot be tense while doing it. Interestingly enough, the more I relax, reach, and lean forward, the more stable I am in the pose.

B.K.S Iyengar said in his book Light on Life:

... True meditation leads us to wisdom (jnana) and awareness (prajna), and this specifically helps in understanding that we are more than our ego. For this one needs the preparations of the postures and the breathing, the withdrawal of the senses and concentration.

This process of relaxing the brain is achieved through asana. We generally think of mind as being in our head. In asana our consciousness spreads throughout the body, eventually diffusing in every cell, creating a complete awareness. In this way stressful thought is drained away, and our mind focuses on the body, intelligence, and awareness as a whole.

This allows the brain to be more receptive, and concentration becomes natural. How to keep the brain cells in a relaxed, receptive, and concentrated state is the art that yoga teaches. You must also remember that meditation (dhyana) is part and parcel of yoga; it is not separate. Yama, niyama, asana, pranayama, pratyahara, dharana, dhyana, and samadhi, all these are the petals of yoga. There is meditation in everything. Indeed, in all these petals of yoga one needs a reflective or meditative mood.

The stress that saturates the brain is decreased through asana and pranayama, so the brain is rested, and there is a release from strain. Similarly, while doing the various types of pranayama the whole body is irrigated with energy. To practice pranayama people must have strength in their muscles and nerves, concentration and persistence, determination and endurance. These are all learned through the practice of asana. The nerves are soothed, the brain is calmed, and the hardness and rigidity of the lungs are loosened. The nerves are helped to remain healthy. you are at once one with yourself, and that is meditation.

Sure, Bikram yoga mainly focuses on the two limbs of yoga: asana and pranayama, and less on the other limbs. Perhaps it is even aptly named as the McDonald's/Starbucks of yoga. It's still the "gateway" for some people into the world of yoga. It is still a way to open up the body, and that's not a bad thing.

Having defended Bikram yoga as *real* yoga, I will say that I thought the lawsuits were, in technical terms, "totally not cool", and I'm grateful for the Open Source Yoga Unity. I hope their mission lives on forever: "To ensure the continued natural unfettered development of yoga for all to enjoy". Take that, Bikram!

Day 19 - My yoga journey

I'm taking a break today, so I thought I'd tell you about how I got here.

My very first encounter with yoga was through a book I found on my mom's bookshelf when I was about 6 or 7. I didn't really know what it was. I just remember there were drawings of a boy holding his arms and legs in various positions. I can't tell what prompted me to do it, but I started following what he did in the book. I only have a vivid memory of two poses: Dhanurasana, Bow Pose, which I hated, and Savasana, Corpse Pose, which I *loved*.

In high school I started going to a health club near my house, and I would take yoga there with this woman, whom I suspect (with very high confidence), is a 60s-wild-child-flower-in-my-hair hippie. She had a calm, singing voice that sounded like spring time. She would say things like, "Look at your feet, your feet are smiling back at you," if we were practicing Padmasana, Lotus Pose, for example. I didn't know what she was talking about half the time, but I just remember that I liked being in her presence.

When the local gym was sold to the 24 Hour Fitness chain, she stopped teaching, and I stopped doing yoga with a live teacher. I discovered Steve Ross's show Inhale on the Oxygen network, and I would drag myself out of bed at 6 in the morning to do it. At first, I had to sleep on the sofa in the living room and set the TV alarm to turn on at 5:55 on the Oxygen channel, so that all I had to do was roll down to the floor, where I had set the mat the night before. I would go through about the first 15 minutes with my eyes shut. It was surely a "labor of love", the only reason why I went through all that trouble was because I loved the format of his class. He was serious about having fun. He had wake-up music, he had people grooving to Ukatasana, Chair Pose, he laughed often.

I started a more serious yoga practice doing Bikram at Rain City Yoga in the Seattle U District in 2001. It was the end of Fall quarter and I was feeling super spazz, and I went to Rain City at a suggestion of a friend. The instructor, Marta McDermott, was amazing! She was funny, genuine, and personable. She explained the benefits of each pose, and showed modification if needed.

Then Marta moved away and Rain City changed ownership, and other types of yoga found themselves on the schedule, so I tried them out. I found myself more and more drawn to Power Vinyasa, probably mainly because of the instructor, Colin. He had a way of teaching without domineering, and I actually felt like he was a big brother to me.

I drifted in and out of the studio (student budget isn't always compatible with yoga studio prices). I started buying yoga DVDs and got to know all the who's who of yoga, Beryl Bender Birch (still have her VHS if anyone wants it), Bryan Kest (that crazy hair!), and Rodney Yee (that shiny hair!).

Fast forward a couple years and I was now doing yoga at The Sanctuary in Redmond practically every other day. I was glad to have a teacher who could adjust my posture, and people that I could say hi and bye to before and after class. I also explored more yoga styles, like Baptiste Yoga @ Shakti Vinyasa in Ballard.

I did less and less Bikram, and gravitated more towards "other" yoga. I no longer felt self-conscious chanting and saying Ohm. I was even leading it. I started taking regular Tuesday/Thursday classes with Amber, whose classes I cannot get enough of.

Still in my exploratory phase, I am now hungrily watching as many DVDs of as many Yoga Gurus out there as possible. Currently rotating on my playlist are

• The Primary Series - Richard Freeman (Ashtanga Yoga)
• Sun Salutations, Lunar Flow Yoga - Shiva Rea (Shakti Vinyasa Yoga)
• Chakra Yoga - Gurutej Kaur (Kundalini Yoga)
• Soul of Strength - Baron Baptiste (Baptiste Yoga)

Day 18 - Everything is perfect

Today I felt feverish. I am a night owl, completely diurnal. When night falls, I get things done. During the day, my mind wants to escape and go wandering on stranger's streets. It takes a significant amount more effort for me to concentrate on mental activities during the day than at night. Because of this, I tend to stay up waaaay too late for this diurnal world. I get the morning high, fueled by adrenaline and excitement of a new day, then I fall like a broken kite in the afternoon. In fact, if I could have it my way, I would sleep away the hours between noon and 7pm.

I dragged myself to the studio intending on doing two sessions of yoga: Hatha and Bikram. I fell asleep during Savasana, Corpse Pose, during the Hatha session. I really did feel like a dead person.

At my studio, The Sanctuary in Redmond, there's a half hour break between the afternoon/evening classes, and I was oh-so-close to leaving after the Hatha class. "I can't do it. I shouldn't do it. I'm tired. I'm falling asleep," I thought of a couple reasons to leave and go home. For one reason or another, possibly paralyzed by over-analyzing the situation, and in the time by mind went back and forth between itself, the Bikram class had started, so I stayed.

I expected pretty much low or no energy out of me in this session, so I went in the poses as much as my body and breath allowed. Strangely, I had an *amazing* class. I controlled my breath, breathed deeply, and held the poses long and deep. Holy cow, hi! Who are you? I looked at the person looking back at me in the mirror.

Everything is perfect. Everything is perfect. I heard myself repeating, over and over. This totally relaxed my analyzing mind. It was calm, waay calm. It didn't need to check that my contacts were moist enough, that my hands were dry enough, that my tag was tucked in. Everything was perfect. The only thing left to do was the asana.

Sometimes, I am paralyzed by my desire to have everything "perfect". If something is not--an total inevitability--then I dwell on it and it stops me from doing anything at all.

Today, my body taught me that it *can* do better than I realized it could, and that everything is perfect, really!

Day 17 - A decision to teach

I've been incubating the idea of 1) being a yoga teacher, and 2) owning a yoga studio for quite some time. I really mean "incubate" in every sense of the world, that it is just a thought, an abstract idea I have and hold dear in my heart, and then occasionally bring it up to someone I trust, as something I could possibly, maybe, potentially do, one day, some day, maybe.

I don't talk about it much mainly for two reasons, 1) fear of being ridiculed (haha, *you*?), and 2) commitment issues, i.e., if I talk about it, I would have to do it.

Lately, with the departure of one of my favorite teachers, and reflecting on my actions and reactions to it, I've realized the importance of connecting with a teacher, and how essential it is in a person's practice.

I have also been frustrated with health clubs' watered down version of yoga, and, like all uninitiated and starry-eyed teachers (or budding politicians), I think I can do better.

So I spent a whole lot of time today looking at all the different yoga teaching programs. What a daunting landscape out there, and there's no US Time & World Reports school ranking to help either.

This is yet one more journey I'm feeling my way around on.

If I commit to it.

Day 16 - How to trap a ball

Today I stayed off doing vinyasa yoga. My wrists were a bit swollen, and I wanted them to heal. I needed them to heal.

My boyfriend is a bona fide soccer player, and I persuaded him to give me some free lessons (in exchange for back rubs).

I started playing soccer last summer and totally love it. It's exhilarating to run after a ball, get it, pass it, and try to put it in the goal. I'm not a good player, in the sense that I don't have all the soccer skills down yet. My kicks still go every which way, and I still don't *quite* get how offside works.

So today we practiced trapping the ball.

I fear it.

I do! When a soccer ball is flying straight at me from the sky, I really don't know what to do. I want to trap it, but flashes of Worst Case Scenarios run through my mind like a Jack Ass episode. I've gotten a few balls in my face, balls in my chest (*not* fun), and bloody noses. Like a once-bitten, twice-shy Pavlov dog, I get intimidated by Flying Soccer Balls.

"You know what, just look at it," the BF told me, "You're not getting it because you're not looking at it."

I hadn't noticed that. I don't know why, I never looked at the ball before, possibly because I feared it would come at my face fast and furious, but once I started following the ball's path, I could get better control of it.

In yoga class I love getting those morsels of wisdom from the instructor. Today, though I didn't go to class, I felt like I got my fix of "Zen thought of the day" anyway.

Day 15 - Pain

I have started feeling a little pain and soreness in my wrists. I really dread it, but I've come to accept that I've gotten my first yoga injury.

Everyday for two weeks now I've been practicing weight-bearing poses like Downward Dog, Chaturanga, Crow, and Hand Stand. My body is protesting that.

I've been doing some research, and after combing through yoga forums and blogs, I've narrowed down two prospective props to buy: 1) Gripitz blocks, and 2) Wrist Assured Gloves. I don't know why the Gripitz blocks are so bloody expensive ($40/pair). They look like glorified dumbbells to me. The Wrist Assured Gloves are even more costly, at $69/pair.

The thought of not doing yoga for an extended period of time, though, is unacceptable enough to trump over paying $$$ for glorified dumbbells.

I agonize over this, and realize I didn't know what I had until it was gone.

Day 14 - Day of Kama

Kama is the winged Hindu god of love, the son of Lakshmi. Kama means "love, desire" in Sanskrit.

Sutra literally means a rope or thread that holds or weaves things together. Metaphorically sutra refers to an aphorism or a collection of such aphorisms in the form of a manual. (wikipedia).

So Kama Sutra literally means "manual of love" or "manual of desire".

If there were such a thing as a Kama Sutra for relationships, it would be a best seller. I'm not talking about the Kama Sutra. I'm talking about a how-to, step 1, remove from package, do not use blow dryer while showering, type of manual. Not to say that some haven't tried, but for all those books' worth, the divorce rate is climbing faster than they can climb up the New York Times best sellers list.

Today is Valentine's day, and I'm doing yoga. Twice, in fact. It's my manual of love.

By doing yoga I mean, my body is at the studio, and hands and feet are moving, but my mind keeps wandering to what will happen after class, when I get to see my boyfriend.

I do that a lot, not just because today is Valentine's day.

Some days I am more successful at staying present and keeping external things external. Some days it's effortless, I just breathe and follow my gaze, my drishti. Some other days, however, my mind is a cat, and thoughts of my boyfriend is the sunshine. I try to fight it, sure, but no self respecting cat would easily give up that sweet sun-drenched spot.

So instead of struggling with that, I started a new strategy. In class we are often told to think of something to work with and set an intention, so I would think of Love, and us.

I dedicate my practice to a really great relationship with you, I would silently say whenever my boyfriend's face pops in my mind. Then I can focus on the movement, the breath, the asana. He doesn't know it, but yoga helps me learn to love him. In a way, it's the best "Love, an Owner's Manual" I've found.

Day 13 - Skeletons in the closet

I have been reading this book, First There is a Mountain. It's about a journalist's inquiry and discovery of yoga's roots, and it's also a memoir about her life and being a yoga practitioner.

I'm particularly interested in it because I'll be doing teacher training in the Iyengar tradition at the Center for Yoga of Seattle, and this book mainly focuses on Elizabeth Kadetsky's journey to Pune, India to study with B.K.S Iyengar. I also like it because it is actually a novel, in the sense that it follows a plot, and has a cast of characters--a nice break from all the non-plot books I've been reading.

The book sheds a few lights on the aspects of yoga I hadn't even thought about: its history, its ties with various Indian political groups, its rivalries.

This is a pretty sobering experience for me, as it forces me to look at yoga in an objective light, or a different perspective from the starry-eyed yoga romance that I have idolized and put on a pedestal, and I'm very glad and grateful for it.

One thing that has stood out for me as I make my way through her interaction with Iyengar is the fact that he, a guru, a master of his domain, still has some skeletons in his closet. He still holds grudges with Sri K. Pattabbi Jois, who popularizes Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga, and with whom he studied together, under Sri Tirumalai Krishnamacharya.

This revelation leads me to a bit of a let-down, some reflection, and then ultimately acceptance.

How could a satguru still have such petty feelings? Do those years and years of yoga and meditation not take that away? And if so, what hopes are there for us "mortals", the part-time yogis, the when-I-can-make-it-to-class yogi? It is like finding out that your favorite couple has split. You know those people, the last couple on earth that you think would ever break up, the one who epitomizes a Great Relationship. Then one day you found out they are dunzo, and a corner of your perceived Perfect World has been chipped away.

The book also has me asking a lot of questions about those that practice yoga, those that preach it, and those that do both. This has bothered me for a little while, and I keep pushing it out, or rationalize it (that Elizabeth, she doesn't know what she's talking about).

Then today I come to an acceptance, that it is what it is. Why not just let it be?

Day 12 - Yoga as Drug

Yoga, above all, is a drug.

I'm serious. Anything that can make you feel ecstatic and keep you coming back for more, by definition, is a drug.

And if we're all going with that definition of yoga, then I have been getting my fix regularly every Tuesday and Thursday for a little while; that is, until my dealer stopped working. (By dealer I mean teacher, sorry if I'm stretching this drug analogy a bit).

I always feel a-maze-ing after Amber's class. You know that "The Simpsons" episode where Mr. Burns took some drug to keep him alive, and as a side effect, he glowed like an alien and wandered around saying, "I bring you loooooooooooooove. I bring you peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace" in a sing-songy voice? Well, if you know what I'm talking about, that's how I feel. (If you don't, click here)

Now that my favorite teacher is gone, in her place are other teachers, one with distinctly different styles, with which I'm having a hard time, a very hard time.

I like who she is as a person, but I cannot stand her teaching style.

I know, *super* unyogic of me, but I get very stressed out in her classes. It's true. My yoga class is stressing me out.

Day 11 - Real Men Say Om

I am practicing not being offended, and the Universe is really testing my will, throwing a couple wrenches in my We're All One Nothing Offends Me Spoke.

Yoga Things that Piss Me Off, part I:

So while browsing the Yoga section at the Seattle Public Library, I came across this book, Real Men Do Yoga. Within seconds of reading it, I started sneezing. Within minutes of reading it, I started breaking out in hives.

No, you won't have to stand on your head. There will be no strange and painful contortions here.
No chanting. No incense. No gurus.
And, no, it isn't a chick thing.

The first sentences of the introduction are kind of cute, in a, "you're a man, we know you're a man, you are very manly, we acknowledge your manliness" kind of way. I understand that a lot of guys, especially American guys, for one reason or another, are extremely sensitive about their huevos. Sometimes you'd think that they would rather be flattened by a steamroller than to be caught "doing a chick thing".

Since the book is about getting guys to do yoga, I am okay with the "it isn't a chick thing" mantra. And really, yoga is gender agnostic, so anytime anyone does something to extend the reach of yoga is all cool with me. So I hold my breath and read on.

... But we're just going to keep the focus on yoga's fantastic physical and mental benefits, without getting into the more cosmic stuff. So we'll be learning a twenty-first-century American kind of yoga, one that's fun, results-oriented and practical. The way men like things.

GAG ME! Please, someone bring me a barf bag. At this point in the book I am steaming like a kettle, and I feel like snapping my finger over my head, "Oh helllllz no you di'int" and threw the book shut.

Yoga Things that Piss Me Off, part II:

There is this fitness studio downtown Seattle, Slo Body, that I pretty much walk by every day. Today I picked up their brochure and checked out their web site. The home page is a flash page with revolving images of presumably their instructors in various yoga poses, with revolving tag lines, "No incense", "No chanting", "No nonsense", "Know your core", "Blah blah blah", "We blow", "Yogawash".

Only the first four tag lines are real, the rest are from my Annoying Tag Line Radar. I am totally taking the "No nonsense" label personally, it's as if it implies that chanting and incense are nonsensical things.

I can't quite articulate why I'm so easily offended by the tone of the book and the website. The book is well-intentioned. It'll get guys who would not otherwise do yoga to give yoga a chance. And that's all good. And maybe along the way they will get into some spiritual "cosmic" stuff. If the guy is interested, he will learn more and find out about the eight limbs of yoga, not just one or two.

I accept the fact that chanting's not for everyone, and incense can be really smoky and sometimes downright stinky. I'm also aware that chanting and incense evoke a certain mystical image that can be off-putting for certain people. In that sense, I understand the motivation behind these reassurances.

Still, are there better ways to say, "We'll give you the tools to build a strong body, how you find your spirituality is up to you"? I don't know the answer, but these two approaches seem to say, "Six-pack abs and better sex and more energy? Yes please. But I can do without your New Age Drama."

Yoga is body *and* mind. You can't influence the Muscular System without affecting the Nervous System too.

The Eight Limbs of Yoga

# Yama : Universal morality
# Niyama : Personal observances
# Asanas : Body postures
# Pranayama : Breathing exercises, and control of prana (energy)
# Pratyahara : Control of the senses
# Dharana : Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
# Dhyana : Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
# Samadhi : Union with the Divine

Day 10 - Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu

I found out that Amber was teaching a Detox Flow class at Rain City Yoga in the Seattle U-District, and I was so glad I cruised over to the website in time to catch it. Amber Tande is an amazing yoga teacher, and I was stoked that her partner, Colin was also there, correcting our postures. Julie, with whom I take classes in Redmond also came, and I was so happy to see her.

We did 2 and a half hours of asanas and chanting, and I learned a new chant:

Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu.

May this world be established with a sense of well-being and happiness.

I was glowing with so much bliss afterwards that the fact that I had forgotten my phone at home, and that I was forever stuck in slower than oatmeal traffic to get back, and then I had to frantically run to catch bus #8 to Capitol Hill to go to Laurel's, just did not faze me at all.

Later, I would tell Brendan this when we were walking to Trader Joe's and he asked me what I get out of doing yoga. "The ability to deal with the shenanigans of life more gracefully," said I.

Day 9 - Yogachittavrttinirodhah

"People who do not occasionally fall on their faces are not growing" - Judith Hanson Lasater, in A Year of Living Your Yoga

This daily wisdom for today would have applied more on Wednesday, when I went ice skating without insurance on my teeth. Nevertheless, it was fitting for this Saturday when I played soccer.

I usually pride myself in my endurance, and because I usually play midfield, I get to run the whole length of the field for 90 minutes. Today, I was feeling more sluggish than usual, once again confirming to myself that my body was in dire need of some serious R&R.

I played midfield, as always, but I ran back to play defense a lot because my defender always seemed to drift to the center. Then, in one instance, this bastard from the other team scored, and I felt personally responsible, because I was only a couple feet away from him. I blamed my teammate for a brief second, but I told myself, "No Blaming". What I really meant was, No Blaming Others. But Blaming Self is okay.

During the game, I tried hard to shake off that one split mini second when if I had just been in front of him, he wouldn't have been able to score. I wonder how many defenders carry this burden out there? I was a candidate heroine for that U2's song: Stuck In A Moment.

I once read somewhere that Olympic athletes, in addition to intensely practicing their sports, also practice meditation and the hone ability to focus on one thing and block everything out. In Yoga this is called living in the moment. In Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, yoga is:

Yogachittavrttinirodhah
Yoga (union), chitta (mind), vrtti (activity), nirodhah (complete absorption).
"Yoga is the ability to direct the mind exclusively toward an object, and to sustain that direction without any distractions."

I really like this explanation of what yoga is, and I think distractions not only include what's going on around you, but what went on in the past, and what you think will go on in the future.

I found this one article in Yoga Journal with really great advice and insights on teaching to athletes.

"An athlete needs to feel successful," she says. "They can't feel humiliated, embarrassed, or like they're the worst one in class." She suggests Bakasana (Crane Pose), which allows athletes to feel successful. Utkatasana (Chair Pose) or a carefully executed Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Handstand) at the wall can also play to athletes' strengths. Such affirming work in strength-specific poses salves the ego and helps students handle the flexibility poses that are more challenging for athletic bodies.

I find it awesome that there is so much ego in the world of competitive sports, and yet, something that's meant to pacify the ego like yoga is such a great compliment to any athletic endeavor.

Day 8 - Moola Bandha

We woke up fully intending on going to the Obama rally.

My morning Five Tibetans didn't happen. I practiced my moola bandha instead. That is a round-about way to say that we had sex.

"Bandha" is a Sanskrit word meaning to bind or to restrain. In Yoga it's a technique that works like a valve to sustain energy in our body, and you work it by contracting three groups of muscles: in the pelvic floor, around the anus, the genitals and in between in the perineum.

Moola bandha is at the perineum in the male and at the cervix in the female body. At first it feels like doing Kegels, but as you advance you'd have to squeeze and relax each muscle group until they're isolated from each other.

Moola bandha has powerful effects on the nervous system and endocrine glands, but its main effects are on the energy systems of the body. Even though it appears to be a simple muscular contraction the real work is psychic.

Moola bandha is a means to sexual control and to alleviate a multitude of sexual problems. MB allows one to direct sexual energy either upward for spiritual development or downward to enhance marital relations. Guilt, frustration and suppression of sexual energy are removed.

It also increases sexual retentive power. This increase creates more sexual satisfaction. Sexual relationships will be more enjoyable and spiritually more meaningful through this practice known as moola bandha. Watch your sex life grow!

Source

I will write more about Bandhas and Chakras as I learn about them.

Day 7 - Lover's Yoga

I skipped yoga. I *was* gonna go climbing, but I didn't make it. I came home straight from work to see my boyfriend. I missed him. I could have taken 3 hours to go to yoga but I needed to see him like I need a good stretch in the morning. I was impatient. My heart was delirious. Blame it on histocompatibility complex.

The previous week I had also picked up Lovers' Yoga from the library, thinking I would show my boyfriend a couple poses. He's been super stressed, and I'm trying to convince him that yoga will help him relax more.

You could say we did a couple of yoga poses together.

Day 6 - The Five Tibetans for Chinese New Year

I'm running, I'm running, I'm running.

I was racing to finish up before 5 to catch the bus home from work. My phone's battery was dunzo. I needed to call my boyfriend. I needed to get this document sent out. I needed more time.

My left shoulder is burning. I've been carrying too much stuff around, and now I can feel it flaring up. I'm unbalanced. My load is too heavy on the left.

I got home, plugged in my phone, called the bf. Communications problem due to battery. My batteries suck!!! I apologized.

We went out to the burb to see my parents. It was New Year's Eve, the year of the Rat according to the Lunar Calendar. My mom was ecstatic to see us. I was ecstatic to see her. After dinner we went ice skating at the skating rink up the street. I had not stepped on a sheet of frozen ice since middle school. I felt so out of my element. I can put my legs on my shoulder while balancing on one leg, but gliding along on two blades? Ha! I'll cure cancer instead.

When we got back, it was too late for me to do my usual hour-long practice, and I had been practicing these Five Tibetans exercises, which promise to align the spine and the moon and the stars, and a smashing good time with your house guest, so showed mine how to do them right.

As I do more reading and researching on The Five Tibetans (I accidentally came upon the book @ the Seattle Public Library), I didn't realize it has a pretty big following, there's even a Facebook group!

I will write more about them later.

Day 5 - When One Door Closes

So I have this teacher, Amber, who taught regularly at the Sanctuary in Redmond on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and I would go religiously. But she's currently pregnant and just about to pop one out, so she's taking some time off.

Ever since she left, my usual Tues/Thurs practice has been lackluster. I rationalize for the fact that the other teachers are just not as good as she is. Their flows don't make as much sense. Their explanations shorter, and their presence just not as big.

So today I went and took my first Tuesday Class Without Amber. The teacher, Larissa, was fun. She had a great sense of humor, and I was really glad I went. Her style is different from Amber's, but I am okay with that. I even feel grateful to experience both of their styles.

I forgot my yoga pants. I had grabbed a shirt of the same color thinking I was grabbing my pants. So I did yoga in my designer office black pants instead. Thank god I didn't wear a skirt today.

I came home and found out that I had misunderstood a text message my boyfriend sent earlier. He wasn't coming to see me like I thought. I broke down. It wasn't really that big of a deal, and he had a very good excuse....err... reason. I had just been thinking about seeing him all day so much that it just felt like a real big let down.

Then I got to thinking about my yoga classes, and how I had set up the bar, the expectation for them to be just like Amber's, so I didn't give other teachers a chance, really. My boyfriend called, I am not mad at you, I said, I am mad at my expectations.

Day 4 - Breaking Point

I came home to do my Baptiste DVD instead of going to class. I didn't really want to go to hot yoga today anyway, and that was the only class offered at 6:30pm, the only time that I was gonna make it. Plus, my boyfriend was coming over, and I needed to clean my place. He called to say that he wasn't gonna be around until much later. I was bummed.

I just read in the Feb 08 issue of Fit Yoga that our bodies and lifestyles should be in tuned with the seasons. It's winter, the days are short and the weather colder, so we should take it a bit easier. The ancient science of Ayurveda says it's time for rest, regeneration, and introspection. I definitely have not taken this wisdom to heart, and after some introspection, I've realized that I have taken my Summer lifestyle right straight through Fall and now Winter.

Sleep. I needed sleep.

So I folded up my sticky mat, unplugged everything, put my phone on silence, and fell in a deep Savasana.

Day 3- Yoga without Yoga

I stayed up too late on Saturday night, but on Sunday I woke up really early. My mom came to visit, and we spent the whole day together. My body turned, sighing at my Go Go Go Life. We went to the Seattle Center for Tet in Seattle. Then we took the bus downtown to get some art for her hair salon. It was super cold. I was burning up inside, but outside I smiled really big to assure my mom that I was okay. I kept breathing. Ujjayi breath creates internal fire, I had learned, so I kept breathing.

I spent the whole day with my family, and when I got back to my apartment, it was really late. I was so exhausted. I did *maybe* two minutes of some quick vinyasas, and literally fell in my bed.

I kept thinking that I could have done yoga in the morning before my mom came, but I was cleaning up my apartment. I try to rationalize by remember one of my teacher's Vidal words, "Yoga is unity. When you spend time with people you love. That's yoga." See, I did yoga today. I told myself. I wanted to stay up and do my Baron Baptiste: Soul of Strength DVD, but I was totally K.O'ed.

Day 2 - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I am frantically running from my facial appointment to the 11am class. Like that rabbit in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, I am always running near-late. There’s something in me that gets a thrill out of the whole “Tuck and roll, 3-2-1, the bomb is ticking, the hero finally arrives to save the day” thing.

I’m pretty sure some shrink out there will some day give this a Fancy Name. For now I am partially blaming it on my Eternal Optimism with Time.

The 11:00am class is a hot yoga class, taught by a woman I’ve never met before. She puts me in front so that a brand new woman can see me. Next to me are two other girls, small, and Asian, like me. One of them is old, maybe in her 30s. She looks really serious, too serious. Or maybe her face is just like that. It’s like that quote from the movie Juno: “And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye. That's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.”

We go through pranayama breathing, and I’m calming down from the adrenaline rush of getting there 30 seconds before class starts. I feel victorious! I forget about Miss Stinkeye Face for a moment, and focus on my own breathing. During the balancing series, I almost faint a couple times. I could lie down, but I fight it. I hang on and keep breathing. The breath is your friend. If you have breath you are never alone. I remember reading that somewhere. I start seeing white spots. Things are blotchy. I am dizzy. In Dancer’s Pose I focus super intensely in one spot and keep kicking my feet up, up, up, and up, until I fall down. I am okay with falling out of a pose. I smile to remind my brain that it’s no big deal.

I see Miss Stinkeye Face in the mirror, and I can feel that she is trying to compete with me, to see who can hold the pose the longest. There’s this super serious look on her face. Relax! I wanted to yell at her. “Be light! Be light!” My teacher Carina at Hot Yoga of Issaquah used to say. “Keep the space between your eyebrows broad and spacious”, my teacher Amber says. I am so bothered by how serious her face was, and at one high point, I want to go over and slap her. I know, so very unyogic of me, but I’m *offended!*

God, seriously, loosen up, bitch!

I honestly think that in my mind. Yes, even the b word.

Because of how serious she looks, I want to outdo her, just to teach her a lesson. I’m younger, and more flexible, and did I mention I just got a facial? You’re never gonna catch up to me, lady. Then I think about if I would be like her one day, standing next to a younger version of myself, trying to outdo her in Dandayamana – Dhanurasana. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, lady,” I want to tell her. Yoga is not a competition. So chill it!

Oh, I know that all of this is totally in my head. This poor woman next to me is probably just trying to do her weekend yoga before her kids wake up, or whatever it is that she has to deal with. Because I am aware that I’m offended by the mere perception that she is showing off, I fear that I, too, am giving the impression that I’m showing off, so I soften my face even more, and hope that others around me aren’t having the same urge to go bitch-slap me, like I do my neighbor.

When we are done with class, I try to catch her face before she leaves. I smile at her. "Bitch better smile back at me," I think to myself. She gives a faint smile. But I will take it anyway. "That wasn't hard, was it." I feel victorious, and kinda dirty, but victorious nevertheless. I *want* people to be peaceful, and in trying to control them, I lose my own peace.

Day 1 - Twenty Nine Days Start Today

I took the 4:30 class, which I barely missed because I barely missed my bus. In class, I found that *dude* next to me, the one who's always acting like he's so much better than the rest of us. I kept reminding myself, "do not be offended, do not be offended". I had read this from the "Last Words" section in the January issue of Seattle Conscious Choice. It was a poem from Aaron Silverberg titled "Resolution"

Forget diets
forget grandiose pilgrimages
forget tantric sex and
the bliss navel of the Universe.
See how long you can go
without being offended.

As if to test how long I can go without being offended, the Universe put this guy next to me. It is not that I had any proof he was a total showoff. It was just a feeling I had. It was my perception. Or maybe it was my projection? I would see him looking over at me, and even if I wasn't looking, I knew he was looking at my poses and posture, as if checking to see if he was doing better.

Then, towards the end of class, in one pose where our eyes met, he smiled at me, a really big hearted and generous smile, and my heart melted. All my walls came tumbling down. After class, he told me that he thought my poses were awesome to check out. I smiled back, not the "Oh I'm so great" smile, but the "Thank you, I'm grateful" smile. That was the best yoga pose I did that day, and I didn't even have to do a Chaturanga Dandasana.

Currently I'm burning up feverishly. The yoga felt deceivingly fabulous. I did feel like I had more energy afterwards, but I admit I felt asleep during savasana. The remnants of January are starting to weigh down on me.